News, November 7, 2001

DNA Evidence clears Eve, Adam in "Apple Biting" incident

Eden - Adam and Eve were innocent, according to the results of a new scientific investigation.  DNA technology has posthumously cleared Adam and Eve, his common-law wife, of any wrongdoing in the so-called "Original Sin" at the dawn of mankind.  "The DNA evidence clearly shows that neither of these two people actually bit the apple.  In fact, the DNA present wasn't even human," says Edwin Rothschild, chief researcher for the U.S. Department of Ancient Agriculture.

Rothschild believes the DNA taken from saliva on the 25 000 year-old apple was, "probably from a monkey or something.”

The news has shocked biblical scholars and God-watchers from around the world. A spokesman for the Vatican says, “ Mankind has been doing penance ever since for a sin that never happened.  If you ask me, God’s got some 'splaining to do."

When contacted, God expressed regret at what he termed “an unfortunate misunderstanding” but refused to claim full  responsibility.  "You have to understand, we didn't have DNA testing 25 000 years ago.  I figured, hell, there's only two of them here, it must have been Eve. Who else would have eaten from the Forbidden Fruit of the Tree of Knowledge? Adam was too stupid to disobey me, and Eve was spending a lot of time with that snake, but in retrospect, looking back at five thousand years of human history, I guess I should have realized it couldn’t have been the humans who ate from the Tree of Knowledge and was most likely a rogue dolphin or maybe a squirrel."

God refused to comment on reports that humanity will now be claiming aboriginal title to the Garden of Eden. “I don’t even  remember where it was exactly, but it probably looks like shit by now,” said the Supreme Being.

However, in a show of good faith to Eve and her decendants, who now number about 2 billion, God has removed the "Curse" of painful child-bearing from all women.  Menstrual cramps will apparently be replaced by “menstrual butterflies” and women will now only feel a slight tickling sensation when giving birth.